Nice

Written on 2021/04/01 07:21 (metric, UTC-5) for Consciousness Prints Blog

This is not an April Fools' joke: last night, for the second time in less than 14 days, I quit a job less than a week into starting it. 

​The first job I quit after one day because it was at a store that was overemployed already and I knew I would end up only getting 8 hours of work a week at sporadic times, and spend my shifts standing around doing nothing for most of the time or doing boring things like sweeping or ringing people's candies and nuts through the cash register, things that could easily be done by technology rather than a human being.

Here's the text I sent last night to quit the construction job I started on Monday:

At first I was offered an outstretched hand to help support me to climb over the railing, about 100 ft. above the ground (it's just empty space from the roof to the bushes on the ground behind me in this photo). 

But thinking back to all the W.H.M.I.S. and other job safety training I'd taken over the years, I deemed this unsafe work and I refused. I climbed down the ladder and explained to the boss what I had been asked. 

I was pretty rattled from being asked to do something for a minimum-wage job that could risk my life so I actually said to him: "that is bullshit, I'm not doing that." 

He nodded tentatively and with a bit of shock in his eyes and proceeded to look through a bin. He then handed me a harness and rope and showed me how to put it on. 

He then said to me "if you wear this and still complain, you are a what? Tell me."

"A pussy," I replied after a few seconds. 

He nodded. I knew the response he was looking for because he had used this terminology a number of times including when I had used my headphones as ear protection when I was using the table saw for the first time.

So I proceeded to climb back up the scaffolding ladders. 

When I got back up to the top, my co-worker who had asked me to help him took told me "good for you" for taking the initiative and when I told him "it's better safe than sorry" he agreed and said that's a mantra he lives by. 

He helped tie the rope that was attached to my harness to the railing. 

He then made a few comments that his hand could've helped just as much as the harness and that time was wasted unnecessarily and then told me that I was missing a piece for the harness. I didn't want to go back down and explain so I decided to just take the risk and pull myself over the railing. 

I admit, it was pretty easy and I could've done it without the harness. 

But I ended up only having to stay up there for 30 seconds to hold a ruler while my co-worker drew a line with his pencil - a job not worth a 100-foot fall that could easily happen with a simple foot slip, a shoe lace getting caught, or a mistimed hand grab while trying to get to the deck.

***

It probably would've been best for me not to use the word my boss wanted me to use because by saying it I was affirming it and the connotations that come with it. 

Although I've been citing Mark Manson and his vulgar-language filled titles and content, I don't really think there's any vulgar language that is necessary to use. 

I don't want to condemn swear words or people using vulgar language because I think using this language is a way to express emotion and allows people to be honest about how they're feeling and what they're thinking but I would say my opinion on this is the same I came to on things like alcohol, drugs, junk food, pornography, materialistic shopping, etc in my post Ice Cream. 

Vulgar language, like these other things can be a good way to help with emotional pain, it allows you to express how you're feeling which is needed for healing. But to consistently use this kind of language, to incorporate it into your daily vocabulary is not healthy in my opinion. And to use it to demean people/assert power over people in addition to perpetuating unhealthy gender stereotypes/misogyny is unacceptable.

Don't get me wrong though, I get it, I get where my boss was coming from. 

People in my generation "millennials" or people younger, tend to not work as hard as people from previous generations, they tend to get offended easily, and can't take criticism. I am guilty of all this myself. 

I think underlying some of his inappropriate actions and language was some fair criticism of people like myself being lazy and getting offended for simply being held accountable where there's no reason to be offended. He comes from a generation where you could not talk back to your boss the way I did and you could not bring up safety concerns or show any signs of tiredness/weakness or else you would be punished or ridiculed. 

The generation before him was the "baby boomers": in general most people in this generation lived through some very hard and traumatic times such as world wars and probably the majority of them weren't brought up in the nicest homes themselves. I don't like to blame one individual completely for their behaviour because it's not completely their fault they are acting this way.

It is everyone's individual responsibility to try to do their best though and improve even if it's not their fault, even if they were brought up a certain way. 

I think this "generation X", the generation between "baby boomers" and "millennials" in general did not challenge authority whereas "millennials" with better upbringings and substantially more information available to them with the internet have started challenging authority and holding people accountable for unacceptable behaviour. 

We need to keep doing this but we also have to call out our own unacceptable behaviour at the same time or this criticism is unwarranted and it does nothing except cause self-righteousness and conflicts.

I think one of the core values a lot of people in "generation X" developed was being "nice": being obedient to those in authority, not talking back, following the roles, systems, and career paths that are expected of you, starting a family and buying your own house and car and being polite and friendly with your neighbours. 

I don't think "nice" is a very healthy way of living though because it's not honest, it causes people to hold in their true feelings and frustrations and burst when they've had too much. 

I've learned this from my own experience, growing up trying to be a nice guy to everyone all the time myself. I now disagree with the expression "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it."

I think being from Canada, it's also part of the culture more than other places to exhibit "nice" traits. Saying sorry, having good manners, etc. 

Here's a funny satirical video from This Hour Has 22 Minutes based on Canadian Justin Bieber's song Sorry that demonstrates this well: 

I have definitely got into ridiculous, unnecessary apologizing/politeness cycles myself in my life but again is it just me or is it also a reflection of the culture I grew up in?

Another Canadian Justin, the even bigger-wig Justin Trudeau, is another example of this. 

Since Trudeau became Prime Minister in 2015, he's made all kinds of "nice" or "inclusive" policy moves, made "nice" statements, and made "nice" apologies but then behind all this niceness, there's been all sorts of scandals, unethical and unkind behaviour.* 

*(i.e. removing Jody Wilson-Reybould and Jane Philpott from cabinet after they spoke out against unethical behaviour, the shady SNC-Lavalin cover-up that led to this, the WE charity scandal, the promise of electoral reform that he changed his mind on after winning and realizing the current system was benefitting his party, the symbolic kneeling at the Black Lives Matter protest with a mask on in a crowed group of people after imposing restrictions on people and having previous "blackface" incidents reported in the past, etc). 

There's been all sorts of apologies and scandals by other politicians in this country and others too: politicians by nature most often have to be "nice" to get elected (but maybe Trump not trying to be "nice" is why he has resonated with so many people?). 

I've been reading the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Ronald Glover which has helped me reflect on my own tendency to try to be "nice" and try to put on a "mask" in social situations to hide how I truly feel so I'm seen as good and people will like me (as I talked about in my post Mask).  

The book is targeted toward men and is about achieving success in romantic relationships more than anything else but I think the basic thesis of the book would be helpful to everyone to reflect on and live out: we need to stop trying to be "nice" but the opposite of nice isn't being mean or cruel, the opposite of nice is being honest. And Glover makes the point that the only way to truly be "kind" is to be honest.

Kindness is what we should be striving for, not niceness. 

Kindness includes respect and accountability whereas niceness may seem respectful to others in the short-term but it's not respectful to oneself or respectful to anyone in the long-term because it's not being truthful. It's a fine line, it's something I'm still trying to figure out.

So did I do the right thing by quitting my job and after my boss continued to call me a "pussy"? 

Neither of us acted "nicely" and it's possible both of us had intentions of being kind but I don't perceive his language as being kind. 

So if nothing else, I think I did what was most kind for myself and I held him accountable for his behaviour by not putting up with it anymore because I didn't have to.

***

(A video related to this topic and the change in attitudes between generations):