Write

It's time for me to start writing again and making my writing public. I do enough reading, enough thinking, enough jot-noting. 

I've considered starting a blog again many times over the past year or two. I've come up with many good reasons not to but I don't care about these reasons anymore. 

I have been inspired by others who write or speak and get their thoughts read and listened to: C.S. Lewis, Mike Farwell, Rob Bell, Bruxy Cavey, Mark Manson, Prince EA, Anne Lamott - just a few of many people I've read or listened to in my life that instantly come to mind as inspirations (there are others I thought of too that I don't want to name). 

I've done a lot of writing myself in the past but I cared too much about what other people thought - sometimes I did it for the validation and approval of others more than anything else which was to my detriment.  I've done a lot of writing for school too but school and grades and deadlines take the fun out of writing - formal education as is it today is just stupid and toxic and a money-grab in my opinion (for many reasons which I may expand on at a later time).

But I'm tired of just sitting in my room doing nothing but watching Netflix and reading and thinking and looking at what other people are doing in their lives and wishing I could live a meaningful life and blaming other people for the fact that my life does not feel meaningful right now. 

I'm the only one that can change this so that's what I will do. Life is not just about observing, or consuming, or playing, or pretending, or experiencing, life is about contributing and shaping the world around you for the better, making the most of what you have. You can only truly do this through learning about and working on improving yourself I think.

Terry Fox has always been another one of my heroes. I was reminded about him and his story the other day when I walked by his statue across from Parliament Hill in Ottawa (a movie about his story can be found here). He didn't wallow in his misfortunes, he went out and actually did something with his life, something that inspired many people and raised funds for a very worthwhile cause.

My paternal grandfather, "Opa" died on Saturday afternoon. 

I was doing a 20 minute deep-breathing practice that afternoon and when I finished I looked at my phone and saw the message from my dad that he had died a few minutes ago. 

I don't know if it means anything but it felt special to realize that I was breathing deeply and concentrating on my breath as he took his last breath. 

Especially because as per an illustration Rob Bell used in a "Nooma" video of his, breathing can be looked at as "speaking God's name" ("Yah", "Hey", "Veh", "Hey" = YHWH = I AM => "LORD" in English Bibles) - we live as long as we are able to speak God's name and we die when we stop speaking God's name. 

There are many images of God and theological concepts that I no longer can stand but this is an idea I can get wrap my head around and entertain for now at least.

Anyways, Opa was also someone who I would say lived a meaningful life. His last 10 years or so he couldn't do much other than "experience" as he had macular degeneration meaning he could barely see, he had arthritis in his back, and he had other physical health problems, likely along with emotional/mental/cognitive health problems, grief and pain, from the many losses in his life. 

Maybe I shouldn't say that life is meaningless when all you can do is "experience" it, maybe Opa's last 10 years or so are a testament to the meaningfulness of life even in ultimate simplicity and suffering and inability to do much other than "experience". 

During the rest of his life though he also did many things, he contributed and created and had an amazing stories to tell. He was a refugee as a child, he lived in three different continents, he worked as a blacksmith and as a factory worker, he suffered many tragic losses but also had many beautiful experiences of love, companionship and family, and much more. You can read his autobiography written in 2018 here.

There are endless possibilities of what I could write about on this blog. 

I have read (or at least browsed) a multitudinous amount of books and articles over the last few years and have taken university courses on many different topics. I've also had lots of interesting life experiences myself. 

On a resume I recently created, I listed the interests: Public Transit and Community Development; Sports; Psychology, Sociology, Economics; Technology and Ethics; Spirituality, Religion, Philosophy; Mental Health, Healthy Sexuality, Gender - and that is just a small number of my interests and the types of things that occupy my mind.

In the past when I've started something like this, for example when I had a blog called "Self-Reflection" a few years ago, I put a ton of effort into making everything organized and coming up with consistent ways of writing and categorizing articles and branding the site. I cared lots of about the colours of the title images I used, the consistency of the font, the pun-iness of the subtitles, etc. (when I get bored I'll likely do a lot of organizing and formatting on this blog too). 

In summary I cared a lot about my identity, making my identity known, wanting to display my best self and have people notice and adore me for who I am rather than just doing things for the sake of doing things. This is not necessarily a bad thing though, everyone does things for these reasons too at times - some more than others.  This is what I think can be labelled as my "feminine" side.

The people I've mentioned so far that have been inspirations are for the most part male and I don't think that's a coincidence. 

I have a male body and I want to develop my masculine side more so I'm inspired by people with obvious masculine qualities (on the Bem Sex-Role Inventory test, I scored a 90 on Femininity and 86 on Masculinity). 

I'm all for feminism, equality of genders, and people not conforming to gender stereotypes (in fact I wrote a whole blog about that called "I Am Not My Gender" a few years ago and have written for the blog shescores.ca) but through reading and reflecting on myself and people I know I've realized our world needs more true masculinity and I need more of it too. 

Here's a list of books which explore and expand on the idea that our world is losing masculinity and it's not a good thing:

• The Demise of Guys: Why Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It, Philip G. Zimbardo & Nikita Duncan (2012) 

• The End of Men and the Rise of Women, Hanna Rosin (2012)

• Why There are No Good Men Left: The Romantic Plight of the New Single Woman, Barbara Dafoe Whitehead (2003) 

• Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity, Robert Jensen (2007)

• Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men, Linda Mark (2007)

• Manning Up - How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men Into Boys, Kay S. Hymowitz (2011)

​I'm not advocating for "traditional" masculinity, (aka. toxic masculinity): traits such as violence, pursuit of status, work first, emotional suppression, etc  - I believe that comes from an overcompensation, an imbalance. 

I think we all ought to strive for letting both our masculine and feminine sides live to their fullest potential, to a balance, an equanimity - whether we are male or female biologically, whether we are born with a penis and the rest of what makes one's body "male", or a vagina and the rest of what makes one's body "female" (I'm not afraid to use anatomically correct language and talk about sex and sexuality - why do humans have so much insecurity and shame about this? It just takes away from a beautiful part of life). 

As C.S. Lewis writes in "A Grief Observed" (1961):

"It is arrogance in us to call frankness, fairness, and chivalry ‘masculine’ when we see them in a woman; it is arrogance in them to describe a man’s sensitiveness or tact or tenderness as ‘feminine.’ But also what poor, warped fragments of humanity most mere men and mere women must be to make the implications of that arrogance plausible."

I don't think it's arrogance though and I don't think marriage is the solution as he proposes (although marriage is a wonderful, live-giving thing). We achieve equality and completeness when we achieve equality and completeness within ourselves, when we fully embrace the masculinity and femininity within each one of us.

Anyways, if you're reading this: hi, I hope you're having a good day. 

But I'm not writing this for you or anyone in particular. I'm writing simply for the sake of exposing the interesting thoughts that I am fortunate to have running through my head. I'm writing because it helps me feel like I'm alive and my life means something and is making a difference in the world (whether it is or not). 

So I am not going to hold back, I don't care about how what I write makes anyone feel because it simply is thoughts that exist that are separate from me but that only I can observe unless I share them. I'm not responsible for how anyone other than myself feels (as reading Mark Manson helped me realize) and emotions are irrational and inexplicable anyways. 

I think love is the ultimate source of meaning in life so this blog, this writing, is about loving myself and loving the world because it is exposing and celebrating truth, the language form of truth that lives inside me.

I don't like habits/routines/deadlines/time pressures/non-flexibility but I think I'll plan to write at least something everyday at some point as Anne Lamott suggests in Bird by Bird. So more thoughts tomorrow (or whenever I feel like it - I don't think can be true and authentic if it's forced or follows a rigid schedule).