Identity

In May after I made a post about my mental health I got all embarrassed about what I had shared and the fact that I had shared that personal, vulnerable information with prominent people on my LinkedIn page. 

So I deleted the website I called by my name: jonathanmwklassen.weebly.com. 

This has been my reaction a number of times over the past few years when I am embarrassed about things I've written or said publicly/online, I delete what I have record of and request for records of what I've written to be deleted by others as well (such as the articles listed on my Publications page. I've put a lot of effort in trying to get this video from 2019 taken down as well: https://uwaterloo.ca/grebel/events/lecture-series/bechtel-lectures). 

When I was in a dark place this past fall I also deleted my Google account including my Google Drive that had all the papers and reflections I'd written in the past. And I've deleted social media accounts I've created on a number of occasions (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn, Reddit, dating apps - could be classified as social media for the purpose of this sentence too).

Overall my reason for doing this deleting is that I no longer agree with what I've said or written or how I've portrayed myself. This usually comes from overthinking and feeling like how I've portrayed myself has offended other people or made myself look weird or unattractive and people won't want to be in relationship with me because of this. 

This may be true but sometimes it's not what I say, write, or how I portray myself that causes this rejection from people but the overthinking, the worrying about the rejection, and the acting like I should be rejected (i.e. shame) that makes the relationship ending reality. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

I do or say something, then I fear being rejected because of what I do or say but I am then not rejected by other people not because of what I do or say but I am rejected because I fear of being rejected. And even then I am not actually rejected by other people usually; I reject myself. I myself cut off relationships, I myself delete what I have said or written.

So this journal entry/blog post/consciousness print here is self-therapy: stop rejecting yourself by worrying about being rejected. 

"Say what you want to say, let the words fall out" as Sara Bareilles declares in her song Brave. 

"Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin" as Natasha Bedingfield encourages in Unwritten.

There will be rejection in life, that's why braveness is required, that is the cold rain hitting your skin, but don't do it to yourself that's when the rain starts bothering you. 

I've been working on updating this website a bunch over the past week or so. I've revived most of what I wrote on jonathanmwklassen.weebly.com because what I wrote on that site was important for my self-discovery earlier this year and I believe will be as I move on with my life. Luckily I had saved it on Wayback Machine Internet Archive before I deleted it.

I've been trying to make this website about simultaneously displaying and discovering myself because I've had trouble knowing how to define who I am, what I want in life, what to work on, what to strive for, how to relate to people, what kind of relationships I want. 

To define "myself", to define any "self" is hard to do but the conclusion I've come to about the best way to define oneself, define one's identity in an all-encompassing way that doesn't do harm by reducing oneself to labels or specific roles, accomplishments, experiences, or relationships, is to say that the self is the amalgamation of all states of consciousness a person has over the course of the time that they're consciousness exists; i.e. everything that a person does and says and observes and thinks and feels over the course of their life.

​So Consciousness Prints is about printing what exists in my consciousness into digital forms that are possible and that I want to have printed, thoughts/words, and visual observations/photos. 

There's always a choice about what I decided to print, to post on here or on the Instagram account but I'm trying hard not to think too much about it, to be as indiscriminate as possible, to print a wide range of my states of consciousness so this is an authentic medium of self-expression as possible. 

I'm doing this for myself, to come to a satisfying definition of myself for the sake of being able to live a more stable, fulfilling life where I feel more grounded and confident in who I am. 

Once I feel this groundedness and confidence, once I feel I am mentally and emotionally strong enough again to take rejections, to be ok with being vulnerable, and portraying myself in ways that some people won't like or find attractive, I can start engaging with the world again, I can start putting myself out there again, I can stop solely writing and posting pictures, printing my consciousness on this hidden website and private Instagram account for the sake of defining myself, but to be part of actual conversations again.

***

I was very fortunate to have the opportunity to interview the highly lauded former mayor of my homecity of Kitchener who was in office my whole life until 2014, back in October for an assignment for the course I was taking Anabaptist Political Theology (since he is of Mennonite background himself).

The following is an exert from this where he shares his experience and wisdom about identity and staying true to who you are: 

(need to seek permission to post this)

Why haven't I let this sink in and start living this out myself? I guess the better question is, how do I stay true to myself and not worry about every individual thing I say if I don't know who I am at my core? Or is my problem that I know but I just don't believe in myself enough?