Reality

Is my desire to be an urban planner all about fantasy of control, power and that there is an “ideal” world out there, an “ideal” way to plan a city (which assumes people are falling short of now but they could be doing differently or assuming I could be doing better)? 

​Maybe it would be best to give up this dream including the dream of finding an enriching social life and partner by going back to university. 

Maybe I need to become more grounded in my present reality, focus on my own psychological and material needs in the present and in the next week or two rather than thinking months and years ahead.

I need to admit, I’m here to stay here in this house, here in this neighborhood - with the structure it has, the transportation system it has, and the people it has - here in Kitchener, here living with my immediate family, here where other family members come to visit to give and receive love and connection, here where there are traditions that won’t change, here where everyone are members of the church I no longer want to be a part of.

I have close to $40,000 in debt and only a 3 yr Bachelor of Arts, I’m never going to be rich (but I’ve never wanted to be). 

I feel things deeply, I get tired by lots of social interaction, I take rejection hard. 

Despite what inspirational speakers and social media posters say, I'm never actually going to have the freedom to go and do and be "anything I want to." No one does, we are all constrained by limits of many kinds - social, geographical, financial, the health and strength of our bodies, etc. 

I’m never going to have the fame, and recognition and validation for my ideas and writing and artistic expressions, and power and control that sometimes exist in my fantasies - but I still have some freedom and control. And I think I will have more freedom and control if I accept this lack of freedom and control. 

I need to stop treating these facts about my current situation, where I'm living, who I'm living, the knowledge and skills and abilities I have as variables, as things that I can flee from or instantly change if I want to.

​Instead I need to treat them as constants, as the reality that they are and define myself and how to live my life, what to spend my doing based on these things rather than fantasies, hopes, dreams, “nia”. 

I often think if only I change something, if only I could go somewhere else, be with new people, be in a new situation and setting than I can be who I want to be, then things will be better. 

But no; "wherever you go, there you are.”

What role can I play here in this neighborhood, in this setting I’m in? What meaning can I give myself? What real people can I start making connections with in person? What conflicts and grievances and obstacles can I do something about to make myself feel more free to be who I want to be and live a life I want to live? Are these conflicts and grievances and obstacles actually more in my mind than in reality? 

How can I live as the real human being that I am in this reality that I am that makes me feel most alive and fulfilled?