Robot

Part 1

I'm supposed to be at work right now.

But I'm not. I'm at home laying on my bed. ​

​Why would you leave work without telling any one, you could lose your job, it's a good job, you get paid well, it's good hours, you have a lot of debt to pay off.

Ya, ya I know. Enough of that.

I've been working at this distribution centre for a month now;

It's the same thing every day: 

• get in van or bus with freezer boots and pants on, jacket in hand, and backpack on back, 

• park or get dropped off in long rectangular parking lot that is never quite full but would take at least 5 minutes to walk from end to end, 

• walk with crowds of other men to doors of big monstrosity of a building and tap card to get through turnstiles as if you're all part of some government or military institution, 

• leave backpack by cubbies, scan card to get into warehouse, walk 2 minutes down long aisle, 

• enter JKLASSE and password on computer kiosk and see message JKLASSE has clocked in at 07:19, walk up to office window to pick up Talkman voicepack and wireless headset, 

• walk to battery room and look for a parked double-pallet machine that has at least 3 bars of battery (4 or 5 is better), back out of parking spot, then drive through perishable and dairy areas of the warehouse to get to freezer area, 

• initiate headset by scrolling through names, verifying vehicle check, working location, password, vehicle number, press play button, listen to task-picking instructions, pick up two blue pallets from piles by wall and back pallet machine into them using piles as leverage if they get stuck, enter freezer and go to aisle Talkman instructs (two thirds of the time in FA to FQ in -18 degree room, other third in -30 degree ice cream room FT to FW) , 

• go to item number Talkman instructs and say confirmation number, pick up however many it tells you to pick, say the number of items picked, put them on pallet, say ready and then move on to next one, make sure you're building pallets square and you're taking care of both front and back pallet as you're picking, 

• continue to do this until you hear "picking complete, printer?," drive to closest available wrap machine, say printer number, drop each pallet into a wrap machine slot marked by red lines on floors, slide wrap sticking out from machine beneath a box on pallet and press start on machine, 

• do the same thing with other one, troubleshoot machine if wrap continues to break or it stops, say printer number to get tags, once wrapping is done put tag on each wrapped pallet, back pallet machine back into pallets to pick up, raise up pallets and drive to instructed truck shipping lane, drop pallets, say confirmation letter/number, say ready, repeat task picking process until 3:20 at which you can break the pick list and finish off then return to the battery room, sign out and leave the big monstrosity of a building.

• Two 22 minute breaks in there and sometimes a battery change. Supervisor usually asks if you want to work 2 hr min-5 hr max overtime for 1.5 pay but usually not worth it. 

• Do this 5 days in a row, 7:30-3:30.

I might as well build a robot and program it to do this. 

Ya people need to eat, grocery stores are the norm for how people get food but do we need human beings doing this work? Seems like robot work to me. 

And really there's maybe one or two items of the hundreds I pick that I'd actually buy myself; a lot of it is just luxury - even "essential" industries grocery stores need to be such a big industry? 

But our world is all about profit and economic growth over quality of life even though it's nonsensical, what's the point of life without quality? Consumption, robotic action, is not quality.

I'm a man, I'm expected to do work, I'm expected to make money and do something "useful" with my life. 

That's the only way I can get love, that's the only way I'll ever be able to support myself and maybe a family in the future right?

I think I've lost my spark, my soul; I'm not a robot but why do I feel like one, why do I come home tired and not wanting to interact with anyone but just want to recharge with sensory pleasures and sleep?

I'm not a man either; yes I have a male body, yes I have masculine characteristics but I am so much more than that, I'm a human, I'm Jonathan, I have emotions, I have desires, I have ideas and dreams and plans, I have personality, I have quirks, I have laughter, joy, relationships, family, friends (future friends) - or do I? It doesn't feel like it right now. 

I think I've accepted being a robot for now because all that other stuff felt too painful to let loose after a tough year or heartbreak, rejection, loss, isolation. But I want life back, I don't want to be a full time robot anymore.

This afternoon I was working on an order, feeling good actually, a good amount of energy, an at-peace state of mind. I knew this feeling would be temporary though. I knew I would go back to feeling like a worn-out, robotic zombie. 

I had called in sick one day and left early another the week before. 

It was a doable job - I just felt I was distracting myself with the dopamine rush I got from the physical exercise from the underlying mental and relationship and self-image issues that were still going on from me. 

These issues seeped through the emotional guard of pride and accomplishment I got from working this physically-demanding, full-time, decent-paying job as nagging, cyclical thoughts often tormented me as I tried to focus on listening to the Talkman tell me which item to pick and on organizing my pallets in a way that wouldn't collapse by turning a corner. 

There was also the pressure of not knowing if I was going fast enough and how soon this would cost me my job. I had been told they would be lenient about not reaching the 95% rate target for the first few weeks but I was only at 75% max and had also heard rumours of people being fired without notice even if they had been with the company for years.

The reasons I stated for getting this job, the positives about the job don’t justify me spending 40 hours a week as a robot that leaves me so tired all I can usually manage to do when at home in my free time is eat, watch TV, and jerk off. 

Not enough time to think and plan for the future, not enough time to read the books I want to read, not enough time to really have fulfilling relationships with people (I did this past weekend only because I took an extra day and a half off and went to bed at 9 most nights). 

That’s not life to me, this is not the kind of suffering I want to endure. 

Ya sure, you could make the argument for delayed gratification, for working hard so then you can enjoy life after but that’s been the predominant mindset in the Western world for a long time and even if this means people are materially well off, a lot of people sure don’t seem mentally well off, or reasonable or living fulfilling lives. Everyone’s stressed and medicated with different things.

That’s really how this economic system and this employer in specific works. 

Spend two thirds of your waking hours beating up your body or mind doing things that bring little joy. Then compensated with money, benefits, in the case of this company all sorts of prizes like pizza lunches. 

Stuff we don’t actually really want or need and if we do it’s only because it stimulates us and excites us more than the work we’re doing. It’s like getting a free coffee or lollipop for filling out a survey but on a larger scale. 

What is life about? Do we all need to do this to make sure all people’s basic needs are provided for? No (and all people’s basic needs aren’t even provided for in this system even though we produce so much excess that goes to the spoiled wealthy).

Despite the good mood I was in, I knew I needed to get out of here because the good paycheque and workouts weren't enough to compensate from my soul being sucked away.  

I was ready to go home early again without telling anyone like last week but this time for good. But just as I had said "break pick list" I heard my name being called on the intercom and was directed to go to the supervisor's office.

I knew what it was about - earlier last week I had emailed my supervisor to ask if I could switch to working part-time citing my mental health issues.  

He hadn't responded so all week I was second-guessing my decision to send that email wondering if it was just going to make things more complicated for me (I shouldn't have involved mental health in the email, I simply should've asked to work part-time - for boundary reasons, it's not good to get supervisors involved in personal life, I know from experience). 

I went to his office and he had me sit down. He read out the email I sent, asked if I was doing ok, preached a bit about the company's "open-door" policy, and ultimately told me that if I wanted to work part-time I would have to first work through my issues with the counselling services that is included in employee benefits. 

So therefore I would likely have to continue working as robot full-time for a couple more weeks, talk to some counsellor that doesn't understand my situation even though I'm already seeing my own therapist, and then after having shown that I went through this obligatory counselling, I'll email the supervisor again and they'll take a few days to get back again and then put me on part-time. 

I don't believe it would be as simple as the H.R. manager said it would be to switch to part-time. I was already on my way out before this meeting so this was not an offer I was going to take.

So I quit. I’ve made the money I need so I’m done being a robot. 

Of course I could use more money, of course I still have debt that won’t go away on it’s own. But I live my life with purpose, I don’t let money be a god, I don’t become a slave to money. 

Yes it will cause me struggle to not be working since I have a lot of debt right now with monthly interest payments, I'll have to find a way to work to make money again soon to be able to pay back the credit union, let alone continue studying or doing any sort of recreational activities that require money. 

But this isn't the kind of pain I can handle enduring right now - there's other ones that I think are more productive and will lead to more fulfilling things at this point.

Even though it is natural for there to be ups and downs on a daily basis in whatever job you have or whatever journey you're on, pain is a given in life, you can't experience the good of life without experiencing pain. 

You can't decide or control whether you will experience pain or not but you can decide or control what pain you want to take, what pain is worth it for you. Some pain you don't even care about because you are enjoying the whole process or the end goal (a lot of this is coming from Mark Manson's advice in his books and articles such as this one, or this one which quotes him and draws on other philosophers as well).

So I know by quitting, I won't be quitting pain - there will be new pains that will replace the ones that came from having this job. 

But going forward I want to think more critically about which pains I'm willing to accept, be aware of my purpose for accepting the pains before I dive into something l like I did with this job.