Alone

Absolutely beautiful day in Ottawa. Gorgeous city. It's alive, it's fresh, it's full of knowledge and history, it's full of awe and wonder every season. Skate the canal in the winter, walk it's shores when the sun's shining, passing by bikers, runners, relaxers, relationships, joy. Alive.

I take my flip-flops off so I can connect my feet to that grass, that rough, earthy goodness and I keep walking. I enjoy it, I try not to think about the possible odd glances I get from people who see me in bare-feet. I want to look cool and confident and just be in the moment and enjoy it. I look at a Rideau Canal Walkway map to pick a destination to aim for. The "experimental farm" looked like a cool place to check out so I mapped out a route to get there.

My plans soon changed though as I was walking by a park and saw Spikeball games going on...one with only 3 people. I can't pass this up.

​Even though it's a provincial lockdown, I just tested negative yesterday and they all seem fine and we're outdoors. The lockdown's ridiculous anyways, no one's following it. Every store is open still. 

People were lined up down the sidewalk as I passed by a Starbucks earlier this morning and same at the Loblaws I saw later. McDonalds was going strong at lunch among every other fast food place and convenience store. Essential? 

But I guess no matter what everyone else is doing I'm responsible for my own choices.  But how easy is it to catch the virus outdoors anyways? And even if I were to catch it, does it really matter? Is staying indoors doing nothing really the healthier option for myself and society?

I ask them if they could use a fourth player. "Ya actually, let's do a bit of a tournament." 

That's what I like to hear. So much fun. It's a game anyone can play. It takes a bit to get into it and get competitive but really it's a game almost anyone can pick up. And perfect for meeting people. It's not even that awkward joining in, just chat a bit about where I'm from and where they're from and get going.

I'm not like infallible at Spikeball, I get in ruts, but I have to say I am quite good. When I'm mentally in shape and physically juvenated (which is a toss-up on a given day), I'd say I'm close to unbeatable. Screw humbleness. 

So after a first game loss that went well past the 11-point goal, my partner and I win to make it to the "king's court" game and go undefeated from then on. 

My social skills and confidence, my extraverted energy is a reflection of my Spikeball skills. I can be good, I can be friendly, I can be a person that is open and likes people and is liked by people but it takes a certain mental and physical state for me to be that. I really wish it would happen more often and last longer.

How do I handle the breaks when everyone's standing in a circle and has known each other for years and I'm just some random guy who walked off the street and joined? 

What do I do when the two guys start talking about their summer trip plan and I'm holding the ball ready to serve. Do I try to break into conversation with the girl, do I just stand and listen, do I try to contribute somehow, do I just ignore it and serve? 

I cut myself some slack for all this, this social anxiety would be normal for almost anyone in my situation. It was a brave, valiant move to make yourself vulnerable to walk up to a group of strangers and ask to play. That's not it. 

As I said, my partner and I win our second game in a row, then third, then fourth. By now I have gotten to know everyone in the group a bit if not through conversation, simply from being opponents with them. After our fourth win, noticing my energy draining, my thirst from forgetting my water bottle start to sink in, I decide I will leave if we win the next one: go out on top. 

We win. And as my partner is going to retrieve the ball after a shot off the rim by the other team to give us the win, I tell the guy and the girl we were playing against that I'm going to head off. 

With my head down a bit, I tell my partner I'm leaving as well and then the other four. I say bye and thank them for letting me play after picking up my backpack, looking at the girl I started developing a crush on last (I don't think I'm abnormal to develop a new crush in every new social group I'm in when I'm not already focused on someone, am I?) and I head off. 

I'm tired, my feet are tired from being bare for so long but I head off on my walk back which I know will be at least 25 minutes to get home. 

I'm not just tired, I'm sad. The smile that I was carrying most of my walk before the park and that I carried a lot of the time I was playing Spikeball has disappeared. 

Walking away from a group of people I met playing Spikeball, it's too familiar, too soon, it stings. Maybe I could've kept playing and got to know them better after? No it wasn't the right group for me, I know that.

I walk across the bridge and sit on the artistic bench I realize is entitled "Alone." It fits.

I sit there looking at the map on my phone as I hear girls' voices singing along to blaring music from above me. It gets louder. I look up and I see three young women sitting on a balcony. The balcony ledge is in front of them so I'm not sure if they see me. 

I figure out my route and get up and go back across the bridge.

"Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in, no one else, no one else can speak the words on your lips."

I look at them when I'm at their level. They look at me with smiles on their face and point at me. I point back at them. 

I think about doing some kind of dance but all I muster is "rock" fingers in the air as I'm walking away from them.

Ya they were speaking to me, it was a great moment but it wasn't an epiphany it was nothing I didn't know. I already followed the advice they sang. I was just recovering from it. But thanks for that reminder. I constantly need those reminders. 

When will I find someone to be my designated reminder-giver? Ya, ya I am a good one for myself, I'm independent. But it would be so nice to have another soul to be mine and for me to be theirs.