Responsibility

Recently I’ve been trying to follow advice from Mark Manson, and other self-help and psychology sources that tell me I am responsible for my own emotions and actions and no one else’s. That is how you have strong, healthy boundaries in relationships.

This goes against my natural instincts having a “Feeling”, INFJ personality type using the Myers-Briggs system, which I think is interrelated with the caring, sharing, open nature of the family environment I grew up in, having a twin brother which I think gave me a strong sense of empathy from soon after I was born, and my upbringing in Mennonite culture which promotes “community”, “loving your neighbour as yourself”, “bearing one another’s burdens”, etc.

Overall, I think this advice about boundaries is good and right. I think not having strong boundaries, worrying too much about how my words and actions affect other people, potentially or in reality, has caused me a lot of stress, and anxiety, and relationship problems in my life. But I think this advice could also be misinterpreted and abused to promote living a self-centered, narcissitic kind of life.

Everyone has to look out for themselves first, yes, I agree with that. Only you can take responsibility to change the way you're feeling or get yourself out of situations and mindsets that you're in. 

You also have to expect other people do the same for themselves rather than forcing your own help and ideas upon them. But this doesn't mean we all live in isolation from each other. It does not mean even if it is best for everyone to take responsibility for their own emotions and actions that our own emotions and actions don't affect other people.

According to his 2016 book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Manson started his career in writing and self-help after a life-changing experience where he made an off-handed comment at a party to his friend about jumping off a cliff and his friend did it and he died. He mentions in the book he struggled greatly with depression and guilt for a year after this happened but eventually came to terms with it and moved forward with his life.

I think this experience definitely is a fundamental underlying emotional motivator for the argument Manson makes about everyone being responsible for their own actions and emotions. By pointing this out I'm not trying to disclaim any of his writing or advice because I think it is true, his friend who died was himself responsible for jumping off the cliff not Manson, but that doesn't mean Manson's off-handed comment/joke had no influence on the situation.  

So what I'm suggesting is that there may be some overcompensation based on guilt in Mark Manson's writing and I'm trying to be mindful of this because I have been reading a lot of his writing and trying to live my life according to it.

Ultimately, from my experience reading him, I think he's a great person who has a lot of care for people and humanity as a whole, and has helped many people by sharing his thoughts, experiences, and ideas. Everyone makes mistakes, but I think it's important to be mindful of his biases and the experiences that have shaped his views.

I think too many people don't consider how their emotions and actions affect the people around them, the communities or social groups they're part of, and the world as a whole. I try to base a lot of my life decisions weighing not only what feels good, and what is best for myself - which I would now say should be the most important factor because I know myself best and am my best advocate - but also how my decisions affect other people and what impact they have on all the social and environmental systems my body and my life are part of.

​It's not just one or the other: what feels the best for me might not be in contradiction to what is best for other people or the world as a whole, and what is best for other people or the world as a whole might not be in contradiction to what feels best for myself but sometimes there is contradictions which I believe we all need to think about more and make more compromises, live with more balance.

For example:

• Driving a car rather than taking public transit has implications on other people and the environment (see my 2019 Waterloo Region Record op-ed for more on this). 

• Socializing with people, going to a store or library, or riding public transit unnecessarily during a pandemic has potential implications on others and the healthcare system. 

• Getting drunk at a party or even just on your own in your house if there are other people around you or if you have access to people via text or social media can have implications on other people and the communities you're part of (or attending an enormous, alcohol-centered street-party - see my other 2019 op-ed on this). 

• What kind of university degree you pursue, or don't pursue, has implications on the people around you, the people part of your life in your future, and everyone you interact with.  

• The kind of food you eat and where you get if from not only affects your own tasting experience and health but also the economy and the environment.

• How you spend your money and how much effort you put into trying to obtain money has an impact on more than just yourself. 

All of this comes from my own life experience and reflection, and reading about and listening to other people's experiences and reflections.

​I was planning on doing a university exchange in Australia for a term which would've likely used $10,000 of my student credit line but I opted out of it after I started talking to some people living on the streets of Toronto. 

I couldn't come to grips with the fact that someone like me could frivolously spend all this money on this "life experience" (which for me was really just going to be a 4-month vacation in a hot English-speaking place with a slightly different culture where I wouldn't have to worry about being around anyone who knew me to keep me accountable) when there were people in the same world, same province, people I was physically interacting with and having conversations with that were living under blankets on city streets, with mental health issues, begging for money for food.

What people do with their money in relation to housing is something that a lot of people don't seem to think about how their actions are affecting other people and the world. I believe our economic system is ridiculous and the housing market is the greatest manifestation of this ridiculousness: people should not be able to use an essential human need for investment purposes.

There are so many people putting loads of money into real estate investments, renovating houses and "flipping" them while never living in them. This leads to many empty houses and many people living without homes. 

It's absurd to me that so many people do such irresponsible and selfish things. How do you not realize that by investing in a house and not living in it, you're taking away a potential home from someone and contributing to the housing prices going up across the market?

​Housing shouldn't be a commodity, it should be a right that is provided for by the government like healthcare is in Canada. 

People living on the streets, or young people with student debt without housing aren't asking for big, multi-room houses like most baby boomer/generation X people delusionally believe is essential: I'm quite satisfied renting a single room in a shared house right now and I think most other people who can't and will never be able to afford to buy a house would be completely satisfied to just have their own space with a roof over their head too. 

The same would be true even if I had a partner and kids, there's lots of public spaces to live and have great experiences in, we all don't need to own our own entire building to raise a family.

​Read these articles about the Canadian housing market and watch the following documentary if you don't understand where I'm coming from with these comments: