Critical Reflection Of The Apostle Paul's Life And Letters

It was a profound experience for me this term to take a course about the Apostle Paul and build on my theological beliefs intellectually while also having experiences throughout the term that I see as comparable to Paul’s. 

I believe studying theology is useless if you don’t live it out practically in your own everyday life so I’m glad I was able to feel like I was doing this.

Unlike the common perception of Paul and his dramatic “road to Damascus” experience, I can’t nail down one major turning point where everything changed for me but over the course of the term there were many events, lectures, and conversations that I feel helped remove some “blindness” I had been experiencing. 

Through learning about Paul and because of my personal experiences I now feel that I more clearly understand the meaning of Jesus the Messiah/the Christ’s life on Earth and what he means for my life and the life of the world - this was what Paul devoted his life to trying to understand as well.

As I have come to realize through this course, Paul’s experience was actually less of a “conversion” and more of a “calling.” He didn’t suddenly understand everything through being blinded on the road to Damascus and being spoken to by Jesus but rather this experience changed the course of his life, it turned him in the right direction so he could fully live life and bring his gifts to the world to serve God out of joy and love.

In the year or so leading up to this term a number of experiences and books I had been reading lead me to develop a very legalistic attitude about my faith and this is how I viewed God/Jesus’ attitude towards me as well. I believed there was a certain way I had to live: I had to try to replicate the life of historical Jesus as best I could to be truly loved by God and to be contributing to “the Kingdom of God on Earth.” 

Intellectually I understood the idea of God loving me unconditionally, the grace that comes through the atonement of Jesus’ death and resurrection but I still felt that I wasn’t completely deserving of this yet. I also sometimes thought to myself “at least I’m trying harder than everyone else I know” but this mindset caused me a lot of social isolation for a while (and I was considering finding a school to transfer to across the country to start fresh). 

I believed I would only be able to be good in God’s eyes, to be able to live a joyful, fulfilling life if I was free from all “sins,” if I was morally or ethically perfect. I felt I needed to solve all my problems and all the world’s problems if I was ever going to be good enough: relational problems, spiritual problems, sexual problems, violence problems, structural problems, environmental problems, sociological problems, etc. 

I tried fasting for a few days, I forced myself to read the Bible every morning, I got rid of all my technological devices because I saw them as the source of the pain and conflict I had experienced in many relationships, and I set strict guidelines for myself in terms of my sexuality, romantic relationships, friendships, alcohol consumption, food consumption, etc. Ironically this mindset made many of these problems worse because I was so hard on myself and others.

I see this period of time in my life being comparable to Paul’s time as a Pharisee when he knew about Jesus but did not understand what he was truly about and did not see his way of love as being a reflection of what God is like.  

Saul (as he was called at the time) was so devoted to Torah, what he saw as “God’s Word”, he so much wanted God to see him as good that he missed the point of what God is about, he missed the point of what God created him for, and he missed the point that “God’s Word” was actually a person, the person who his people had ordered to be killed on the cross. As a result he started judging and persecuting others likely as much as he judged himself, in the same way I did.

Learning about the difference between “sin” and “sins” as is made clear through a thorough study of Paul’s writings (which has been and is still very often misunderstood by many people and churches) was very significant for me in coming to a clearer understanding intellectually about (what I now believe is) God’s true nature, and accordingly how I go about my life. 

I now understand that there is not only nothing I can do about “sin” because it is ontological, the problem of “sin” no longer exists because of God’s grace: through Jesus’ resurrection from death (the ultimate state of sin), death itself died. 

We no longer have to live out of fear of death or fear of sin, we can freely live out of love because Jesus showed us God’s love through his life and through the sacrifice of his earthly life. Sin, death, separation from God no longer exists if one believes it doesn’t, if one has faith, if one recognizes that Jesus is still with us on Earth as the Holy Spirit. These are the beliefs I’ve come to and I now feel like I’m living in and living out heaven everyday!

To go along with this intellectual shift in theological understanding, was a shift in my hermeneutics of daily living. As mentioned, this was not a drastic experience but a series of interactions in everyday life over time that slowly gave me confidence that my theology could not only be intellectual but also practical - that living a life of love, that living heaven on Earth was not just a utopian ideal but Jesus meant it to be a reality for everyone who believed in him whether or not the rest of the world believed in it. 

The following is a list of events that happened during the term or just before the term that helped me to come to the place I’m at now of unwavering confidence in my faith and in myself:

• A vulnerable confession and long, deep conversation with one of my best friends that saved and restored our friendship

• Realizing how hard I’d been on myself unnecessarily while reading The Naked Gospel by Andrew Farley: I started bawling my eyes out while listening to the songs In Christ Alone and Hope’s Song on YouTube afterwards (have listened to these almost every day since)

• Admitting that I have mental health issues and not being ashamed about it and getting support with it

• Conversation with my friend’s dad who helped me realize I’ve mistakenly been projecting my own ideas of God onto God

• Texting conversation with my a rival that ended very peacefully, and lovingly and helped me understand and get past the pain and fear I was still living with that came from being rejected by someone we both knew

• Conversation with spiritual director about physical attraction not being a bad thing but rather something that God created to bring people together in friendship

• Coming to a place of feeling completely guilt-free about sexuality and pornography use (and in doing removing the power pornography had over me)

• Stating my strong opinions in a letter to the editor in the newspaper, and in an email to all my professors and not being fearful of backlash but rather using difference in opinion for conversation and building relationships

• Feeling free to be myself with my housemates, family members, and other peers, and enjoying the strengthening of relationships that has come from this

• Ending my social media, smartphone, laptop, and alcohol hiatuses

• Learning how to use social media in a healthy way, and approach relationships in a healthy way (strive for friendship and community rather than intimacy but ironically this has allowed me to experience more intimacy)

• Feeling free to voice my thoughts and ideas in my classes and go to my professors’ office hours to chat - things I was petrified of doing a few years ago

I think the main takeaway from this course for me is that Paul is nothing more than a human being created in God’s image just as I’m a human being created in God’s image. 

All human beings can experience fear, heartbreak, pain, discomfort, confusion as well as hope, intimacy, joy, peace, and understanding  As Paul says himself we all have different gifts but we can be part of one Body working together for the good of the whole, the good of our neighbours, and the good of ourselves simultaneously. 

Our spiritual gifts both come from and work towards love - love is what brings life. Paul lived an amazing human life. He spread so much love and goodness by using his gifts to share the gospel of Jesus Messiah not just by his words but by how he lived and related to others. This was his calling and it is ours as well - it is the calling of all human beings born into this world.

Everything God created is good, including our bodies, our hearts, and minds. 

We must use the emotions and logic God gave us and have faith that the decisions we make and the actions we take are in line with God’s will, with what God sees is good (because only God truly knows the difference between good and evil). 

Having faith that God is with us, that Jesus is with us in spirit (by the Holy Spirit) means that we can live in love rather than be enslaved by sin: we can experience eternal life here and now, everywhere, all the time.