For those not familiar with the American sitcom How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM), given the name it would not be surprising to learn that the main storyline is based around a man telling the long, convoluted, sometimes painful, but often humorous story to his two kids of how he came to meet his wife, their mother. 

Most people who have spent hours of their time watching the show, including myself, would tell you the main reason they watch HIMYM, is for entertainment.  This may cause one to ask: why is a show based around a man struggling to figure out who he is and find the soulmate he so desperately wants so interesting and entertaining to watch? 

I think it’s obvious that this is because so many of us go through the same kind of experiences ourselves (but somehow it’s never quite as funny when we are the ones going through these experiences). This leads to a more thought-provoking question though, which this paper intends to provide insight into, which is: why do so many people not only struggle with finding a romantic partner of the opposite sex but also struggle with not knowing if they are someone that is worthy of attraction from the opposite sex? 

Using an analysis of three major characters in HIMYM and the relationship between them, a general conclusion can be made that it is society’s gender role expectations that negatively influence the self-concept of many people who do not fit these gender roles or meet these expectations, which can also make romantic relationships challenging for them.

Although it is never explicitly stated, it is confirmed on a number of occasions throughout the series that, Ted, Barney, and Marshall, three of the five major characters in the show, are of the male sex, and are all heterosexual, as they all are attracted to and are interested in pursuing romantic relationships exclusively with females (see Appendix B). 

In the pilot episode (see Appendix A for plot summary), the three are all at different stages or have different attitudes about the pursuit of women. Ted’s quest for love is the central storyline of the show and he struggles with the fact that he’s still single while his best friend Marshall is in the process of proposing to his longtime girlfriend Lily.  Barney meanwhile, at this point in the series at least, only views women as a means to sexual satisfaction.  Despite their differences, from this information it seems natural to assume that since they are biologically male, and are attracted to females, they should all have a male gender that portrays “masculine” qualities.

As is alluded to though in the paper Developing a Critical Gender/Sex Lens (2007), although there are biological factors that are often tied to and can be hard to distinguish from one’s gender, gender is largely a socially-constructed concept and the main reason that so many people view themselves as being exclusively masculine or exclusively feminine is that they believe that their gender is innately tied to their biology or sex (DeFrancisco & Palczewski, 2007, p. 159). 

Despite this theory, there seems to be certain patterns in behaviours and communication styles of those born with the male sex that embody perfect masculinity or at least set a standard for males to feel they need to work towards, and the same is true with those born female but instead traits embodying femininity are displayed and being perfectly feminine is society’s ultimate goal for them. 

As Deborah Tannen argues in The Power of Talk: Who Gets Heard and Why (2016) though, these “natural” attributes of masculine or feminine communication really seem to be the result of how boys and girls are taught to play when they are young implying that masculinity shouldn’t be assumed to be inherent of those born male, and femininity shouldn’t be assumed to be inherent of those born female (Tannen, 2016).

In the case of Ted, Barney, and Marshall, it is apparent that none of them perfectly fit the typical masculine stereotype. Sujay Kulshrestha (2011) argues in an entry in Inquiries Journal that the relationship between them, coined a “bromance”, also is more stereotypically feminine than any other male homosocial relationship in pop culture in that it is an emotion-based relationship that involves feeling sharing, secret sharing about themselves and their partners, and giving one another relationship advice: exchanges typically associated with female relationships (Kulshrestha, 2011).

As Interpersonal Communication and Self (2014) suggests, the roles we assume - which can include our expected gender roles - is one component that impacts the development of our self-concept (Beebe et. al, 2014). All three of these characters have to battle the societal pressures to conform to a stereotypical masculine role in their relationships when it does not feel natural for them to do. 

Since they all express their gender in a way that deviates away from masculinity, this has implications on their self-concepts, although in different ways. The variability in the other components of self-concept development outlined - interactions with other individuals, association with groups, self-labels, and personality (Beebe et. al, 2014) - may explain the differences in self-concept development between the characters despite their common role struggles.

Although Barney has some feminine qualities, it seems that he tries to convince himself and others of his masculinity by displaying values of power and dominance over women. As seen in the pilot episode (see Appendix A), he wears suits, he ranks women’s attractiveness based on ethnicity, and engages in competitive activities such as laser tag all because he thinks this will help him be seen by others as masculine, and will allow him fulfill his role (Bays, Thomas, & Fryman, 2005). Society expects him to be masculine and being deceitful, dominating, and sexually exploitative seems to be the way he feels he needs to act to fulfill this role. In the end though, viewing himself as someone who needs to fulfill this masculine role rather than just living out and accepting who he truly is, causes him to hurt so many women and ultimately causes him to lose the one true love he is able to find (see Appendix B). 

Ted handles the struggle of being a non-masculine male in a society where those of the male sex are expected to conform completely to masculinity differently than Barney. As Developing a Critical Gender/Sex Lens (2007) puts it, society highly values heterosexual romantic relationships and many people think the only way these relationships can work is if there is one partner who is completely masculine and one partner who is completely feminine which is one reason people value there being two poles so much when it comes to gender (DeFrancisco & Palczewski, 2007, p. 161). This applies to Ted as he desperately wants to find love but he is aware that he does not fulfill the masculine role expected of him and this is hard for him because he knows that it is a societal value that women should only want to be with men who are masculine. 

For example, while talking to Carl’s girlfriend in the pilot (see Appendix A), he says jokingly, but in a self-deprecating way: “Nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own wedding, right?” implying that it is unmasculine for him to be planning out specific details about his wedding and he knows it (Bays, Thomas, & Fryman, 2005). So like Barney, Ted has a certain self-concept of himself because of his masculine role, or moreso his inability to fulfill this role, but instead of taking action like Barney, Ted simply gets discouraged and his self-confidence is damaged which naturally makes the pursuit of finding love even more challenging.

Marshall proposes to Lily in the pilot episode (see Appendix A) and for most of the series they are happily married so it would seem Marshall’s femininity doesn’t hurt his romantic life as much as it does his two friends.  It can be noted though that the points in the series when Marshall tries to conform to a stereotypical husband or masculine role is when he starts to question how he sees himself and has troubles with his relationship with Lily (see Appendix B).

So from these analysis of Marshall, Ted, and Barney, it is not a stretch to make the conclusion that societal pressure to conform to their expected gender role, which is unnatural for all of them, negatively influences their self-concept and causes difficulties in searching for and maintaining romantic relationships. It is also not a stretch to generalize this theory to include all people who don’t perfectly fit either the "masculine" or "feminine" role. 

At one point in the series, as Kulshrestha makes note of, all three members of this “bromance” eventually come to an agreement that the kind of woman that makes the best partner, doesn’t necessarily need to have feminine qualities but instead should simply be a “female bro”: someone they feel they could have the same level of connection to and feel the same level of comfort sharing what’s on their heart with as they do with each other (Kulshrestha, 2011).  

Kulshrestha points out Marshall has found a wife with qualities that aren’t exclusively stereotypically feminine such as chugging beer and using coarse language as (Kulshrestha, 2011), and Barney considers Robin as much as a “bro” as anyone which is why he eventually lets go of his womanizing ways to marry her (Kulshrestha, 2011). Ted also finds his wife when he lets go of his worrying and becomes fully confident in who he is; when he accepts that he doesn’t need to be masculine to be in a relationship. This leads me to believe that we would all feel much better about ourselves, true love would be much easier to find, and our romantic relationships would be much stronger if we as society put an end to our expectations of conformity to gender roles.