Is Marriage Really Free Love?

Finding a soulmate, a person to live with, be intimate with, and spend the majority of one’s time with is something that most people desire and spend a lot of time thinking about.  

How formal of a definition this kind of relationship should be given is something that has caused much debate, as well as how much freedom people should be given in terms of who they can have as their soulmate and constraints on reproduction.  

There is one social movement in particular that concerns itself with trying to expose and bring solutions to the issues, such as general dissatisfaction and even oppression, that are caused by this kind of relationship.

The movement of "free love" is based on the idea that people should be free when it comes to sexual or intimate relational matters such as marriage, birth control, abortion, adultery, and prostitution (Romkey, 2018a).  The argument that those part of this movement make is that these matters are the sole concern of the people who are involved in them (Romkey, 2018a); an individual’s personal decision to terminate their own pregnancy, have sex outside of marriage, or sell themselves for sex for example, does not have enough of an effect on the rest of society to justify creating legislation surrounding these issues. 

The free love movement is also against the interference of the church or other religious institutions when it comes to sexual matters (Romkey, 2018a). 

In his article What is Normal Sex?, Stanley Siegel (2016) argues that definitions of sexual normality given by religious leaders and mental health professionals creates “a dangerous standard by which to judge human behaviour” since every sexual experience is unique because of the uniqueness of each person (Siegel, 2016).  

One of the main values the social movement of free love is based off of is the rejection of marriage (Romkey, 2018a). Not only can the institutionalization of marriage take away from the special trust and commitment partners make with each other on their own, using both anarchist and feminist perspectives, the free love movement sees many other issues with marriage.

William Godwin, often considered the “grandfather of anarchism”, views marriage as evil because it is filled with unrealistic expectations (Romkey, 2018a). 

Although the typical dating period before marriage may have been shorter in the era he lived than in Western culture now, he thinks it absurd that youth often only see each other a few times before committing to “eternal attachment” (Romkey, 2018a).  He also calls these youth who are quick to fall in love and get married, thoughtless and delusionally romantic (Romkey, 2018a) which has actually been shown to be scientifically true.  

Jacob Devaney (2016) explains in The Neurobiology of Love and Relationships that love can be addictive because of the neurochemicals that cause our primitive sexual behavior making us “do and say some crazy things” which we may later regret (Devaney, 2016).  

So although this behaviour is natural, what isn’t natural is all the expectations of loving romantically and marriage. 

Sofo Archon (2017), author of The Trap of Romantic Love points out that many of us, especially in Western cultures have been conditioned to believe “so-called romantic love is the most important pursuit in life and that only the ones who’ve found it are fulfilled” (Archon, 2017).   

The “romantic template” as proposed in a video by The School of Life (2016) creates a number of myths about romanticism and marriage (The School of Life, 2016).  It causes us to expect to meet someone with extreme outer and inner beauty and feel mutual attraction instantly, to expect no loss of sexual or emotional intensity over time, to expect that both partners will never be attracted to anyone else, never have any secrets from each other, will spend constant time together, and will always understand each other intuitively (The School of Life, 2016). 

What are the consequences of people falling into the romantic trap of marriage that is encouraged by the state and society? Godwin’s answer to this is that those who do get married find themselves deceived “in almost every instance” in that they think they are living the perfect life with the perfect person they always wanted when really this is untrue (Romkey, 2018a).  

Paul Goodman would add that married couples that do seem to fall in love for real after marriage, as opposed to phony, romantic love, do so only because it has to be done to stay together: “it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable” (Romkey, 2018a). They often can’t get out of this “irretrievable mistake” though because there can be too many legal complications, and too much stigma from religion and the rest of society to get divorced (Romkey, 2018a).  

Eventually most people convince themselves “that they were right in their first crude opinion of each other.” This is the kind of delusional thinking that causes Godwin to feel that the idea of marriage is not a good thing and he does not like that it is encouraged by the state and is part of our culture.

Another argument that Godwin and the free love movement make against marriage, is that it leads to the oppression of women (Romkey, 2018a).  

As bell hooks puts it “if any female feels she needs anything beyond herself to legitimate and validate her existence”, such as marriage, “she is already giving away her power to be self-defining, her agency” (Romkey, 2018b).  

Shulamith Firestone reiterates this by making the point that most often a women feels that she is only allowed to love herself “if a man finds her worthy of love” (Romkey, 2018b).  

Friedrich Engels says that men control women and marriage exists in society, because men want to control the reproduction of the woman they are in a long-term relationship with; they want someone who will do their housework for them and satisfy their sexual needs, but want them interacting with others as little as possible or else they will be tempted to reproduce with others (Romkey, 2018b). 

This is because of the fact that in society, women are often viewed solely as sexual objects (Romkey, 2018b).  The traditional ideas of marriage are based on this fact which has caused a lot of ignorance and harm to women in marital relationships. 

Betty Friedan, for example describes being diagnosed with “house-wife fatigue” by a qualified medical doctor because she was focusing her time on things other than doing the housework that was expected of her as the wife (Romkey, 2018b). 

Abuse of women also has often gone unchallenged in marriages because women were traditionally seen as being owned by their husbands (Romkey, 2018b).

The three historical waves of feminism each have had something to contribute to the discussion on the issue of marriage.  

The first wave, which was mainly based on the principles of liberal feminism, started to advocate that the husband in a marriage isn’t the only one who can contribute to society outside of the home, women can be educated and do work just as well as men can (Romkey, 2018b).  

Mary Wollstonecraft, who was ironically married to William Godwin and is known as the “grandmother of feminism”, stated that women need to be able to be “rational creatures and free citizens” if men want to be able to have a happy marriage (Romkey, 2018b). This means that men cannot expect women to be responsible for all the housework and childcare (Romkey, 2018b). 

The second wave, which included more radical feminist ways of thinking, added the idea that women should be given more empowerment and be made more comfortable in society and at home in marriages by giving them an equal voice (Romkey, 2018b).  

These feminists recognized that patriarchy, the most basic and universal form of oppression, is the main problem (Romkey, 2018b). They would not tolerate marriage being a justifiable excuse for abuse and rape, and they would not agree that the wife should take on a certain role in a marriage (Romkey, 2018b). 

​Third wave feminists would build upon the ideas of feminists from previous waves by saying that women shouldn’t even feel the need to get married (Romkey, 2018b). Women are independent and need to be confident in themselves as human beings and their own abilities and not be reliant on men (Romkey, 2018b).  

Society often teaches women otherwise as Ginny Brown (2016) describes in 12 Rights Women Have in Intimate Relationships being taught herself growing up that others are always more important, that her own judgement isn’t good enough and that she was “automatically more ‘irrational’ because of being a woman.” (Brown, 2016). 

For women that do choose to get married though, third wave feminism would insist that the word “partner” be used instead of “husband” and “wife” to promote equality and symbolize that they are committing to the relationship together (Romkey, 2018b).  It would also encourage both partners to get education in gender and relational studies before getting married (Romkey, 2018b). Allowing women to have their own spaces and be their own people with the same rights and opportunities as men, even if they are married, is the main goal of the third wave of feminism (Romkey, 2018b).

When two people commit to loving one another, and spending the rest of their lives together, accepting each other’s imperfections and the challenges that come with the commitment, it is a beautiful thing. 

The free love movement though, through anarchist and feminist theories, shows that the idea of marriage, and romanticism that is encouraged by the state and the rest of society does not allow for love to happen. The delusion and oppression that often results, proves that marriage isn’t really true free love. 

Personally, despite these arguments, I don't believe that there is strong enough case to not strive to find a life partner for oneself and to not go through the rituals to publicly declare one's lifelong commitment to one's life partner through a wedding ceremony of marriage. But I do agree that both women and men need to be more self-aware, confident, personally responsible, and make more wise, rational decisions about who it is they decide to marry for life before they make the decision to do so.

Archon, S. (2017, September 12). The Trap of Romantic Love. Retrieved April

09, 2018, from https://upliftconnect.com/the-trap-of-romantic-love/

Brown, G. (2016, August 22). 12 Rights Women Have in Intimate Relationships. Retrieved April

09, 2018, from https://upliftconnect.com/12-rights-women-have/

Devaney, J. (2016, January 14). The Neurobiology of Love and Relationships. Retrieved April

09, 2018, from https://upliftconnect.com/neurobiology-of-love/

Siegel, S. (2016, December 5). What is Normal Sex? Retrieved April 09, 2018, from

https://upliftconnect.com/what-is-normal-sex/

Romkey, T. (2018a, March 21 and 26). Anarchism. Lecture presented at SDS 131:

Social Ideas, Policy, and Political Practice in Renison University College, Waterloo, Ontario.